KW, Palmerston North
Mrs. Salisbury Column
1. Mrs Salisbury Column, Sunday Star Times
Robyn Salisbury is the accredited therapist for Palmerston North. Robyn is a registered clinical psychologist specialising in sex therapy.
2. Readers are encouraged to submit questions for the Mrs Salisbury column. Please email questions to: MrsSalisbury@sextherapy.co.nz
3. Mrs Salisbury Columns will normally be available the day after publication from 10.00am
4. SST 21st April 2013:
Dear Mrs Salisbury
We met over a basin 5 years ago. I was lying back in the vibrating chair and she was draped around me, breast nestled in my ear, massaging my scalp with powerful yet careful hands. Bliss. Then she skilfully styled my hair while effortlessly carrying on a pleasant conversation. She’s petite, vivacious and so warm and friendly, she can put the most awkward person at ease (me). I really admired this but over the past couple of years I notice that it has started to grate. We go out to a party and I end up on my own while she works the room, enjoying herself catching up with old friends, meeting new ones and even finding new clients. I understand that those things that drew you to someone can become disappointing, unattractive and even irritating over time but what do you do about that?
Any reaction to another gives you valuable information about yourself. From my reading of this situation there are two tasks calling out to you loudly: one involves attending to your relationship and the other yourself. We’re often drawn to others who have qualities we don’t have; that way you feed your ‘in-love’ fantasy that this person will finally make you whole and perfect. Then sometime later, just as you are now discovering; reality dawns. I suggest you read Arielle Ford’s Wabi Sabi Love which highlights that none of us are perfect and describes the art of moving lovingly to embrace your partner’s imperfections. Both of you can gain so much from you doing this.
I’d also encourage you to make a decision about whether you are entirely comfortable alone in your inner world or whether you would in fact gain from learning to engage in meeting with others at times. You enjoyed that initial experience of your partner letting herself reach out and give to you. This involves moving your focus from any self-doubt, discomfort or self-absorption to showing a genuine interest in another. Once you have grasped how, you may well come to get great pleasure from giving to others in your own way, probably minus the breast-in-ear treat.
5. Keen readers and those seeking guidance are encouraged to purchase the ebook, "Play With Me".
4. "Play with Me" is a collection of Mrs Salisbury Columns from the Sunday Star Times. Robyn Salisbury is a clinical psychologist and founder of Sex Therapy New Zealand. It is the first compliation of these columns since they first appeared in 2008. Based on over 20 years of clinical experience with couples, this little gem is 120 pages filled with Robyn's wisdom, her thoughts and solutions.
Robyn is also the author of the very popular book, "Staying in Love" which can also be purchased on this website.
Read previous columns: click here